last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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