So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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