cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize