Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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