Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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