i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize