There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
