Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
