I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize