Girls should come with a carfax report
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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