i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
