then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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