my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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