Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
