awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
