i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
