i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
