Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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