everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize