either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
