i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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