We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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