If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize