i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
