Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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