Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
