I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
time to smoke my breakfast
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
