The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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