piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
