if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize