I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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