hell yes lets make some ravioli
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
