Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
