Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
