i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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