I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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