The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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