It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
