I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
