I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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