Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
