he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
