he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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