she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
