she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
