Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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