i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
