The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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