she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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