Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize