Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
