I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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