I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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