The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
