I murdered the dance floor call the cops
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
