do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
