You really coming over, don't trick.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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