If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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