he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
