The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
