so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
