I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
