I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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