I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You ruined the universe
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
