Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
