I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
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