I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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